I hear it all the time. Grown women who are capable, able at their work are reduced to putty in the hands of their abuser. These women who command millions of advertising dollars, present to company boards, run nationwide programs are reduced to blubbering fools when their partners demand things from them. They bend backwards and twist their minds around what to do, squeeze as much time out of the day to do his bidding, become over solicitous and second guess themselves thinking that somehow, they will please the abuser and they can escape the pain.

But that doesn’t work. the game plan of the abuser is to gnaw at the confidence of their victim by blaming them for everything, putting them down in every way, and wielding their power at them –making their victim feel selfish for claiming their rights.

Anger is the best antidote against abuse. Anger is a statement of righteousness —that everyone has the innate right to be treated fairly, accorded value and respect. the first move is for the victim to admit to herself that she has been abused and that it is a traumatic experience. Then, the victim must seek solace and support from therapy in order that she reverse negative thoughts about herself. And, finally, to work towards realising that the situation is wrong and life can be good again by getting out of the situation. It is key to realise that it is the situation and NOT THE victim who needs to change.

Before recovery, I was a rich guy living off drug money and the sex trade. I was rich but it was not normal or with honor. My dysfunctional life made my family vanish, my siblings were not brought up well, no one and specially not our family had a future to cling to. Before, we focused on problems and how we could avoid them from happening.

After learning to love myself in recovery, I learned to be Solution focused. I now choose to face my problems and strive for more in life. Unlike before where money and security coming from money drove me, today, it is my dreams and hopes that fuel my drive. My vision of my future is what makes me get up in the morning and go for what I want.

It was when I gave myself a chance to dream that my life began to change.

—– Larsen, survivor or Drug abuse. An abused child stolen from his parents and sold to a drug and prostitution ring

“Utak biscuit”. “Isang kahig, isang tuka”. That is how Larsen was described when he came for recovery work. His idea of the future was whether he was going to eat the next day. His lack of self-esteem, lack of self-love, and lack of self-respect jailed him in the drug and sex trade for many years. For him, his life was not worth planning for because his was a basket case, no better than the life of an alley cat, meant to strive and fight for every scrap and then die.

But, fate brought him to a halfway home where he was given education, treated like a human being, and regarded as someone with a future. This is when things started to change. A little love can do that.

Guilty. Self-Disgust. Dulling of natural sexual desires. These are the thoughts, feelings, and coping mechanisms that characterise victims of sex crimes.  Guilty because for a moment, they thought they enjoyed the sensation of being touched. Self-disgust because they allowed the violation of happen and continue on and even frequently recur. Dulling of natural sexual desires because they feel that if they were asexual, the assault might not have happened at all.

Oftentimes, the victims have challenges reconnecting with the opposite sex because they associate the act of intimacy as being dirtied…’binababoy ako”. This then impacts their ability to form good marriages, partners, parents. Their unhealthy views of sex can make them shun any form of intimacy as they withhold from partners, become suspicious of partner’s desires for sexual intimacy, and even refuse to enjoy the sexual experience. Oftentimes, sexual intimacy with their loving partners  even makes them feel violated or they feel they were forced into it.

Time, patience, understanding, and love are the only cures for the deep wounds of  the victims. Restorative work begins with a victim deeply understanding and accepting that the sexual violations that happened is truly truly not their fault.

(image borrowed from church image network)

Rape and sex abuse are complicated. There are many points of view and the story unfolds through time. Sex Abuse does not just happen. To be sexually abusive is to exhibit dysfunctional  behaviour —normally, it is related to some form of addiction like drugs, alcohol; the perpetuator often has deep psychological issues that manifests in victimising through dominance.

Sex abuse is a form of betrayal. Often times, sex abuse is perpetuated by someone the victim knows and trusts. The relationship starts out innocuously with a friendship –lunches, sharing of problems, spending time together. As the friendship builds, the closeness becomes stronger,  inhibitions are cast aside, personal space and psychological guards are lowered. And so, when one sexually abuses the other —there is a moment of disbelief: did this really happen, is this ok. And soon, the disbelief turns to anger as sexual favours are forced upon the other. The betrayal of the friendship is a gaping pain the victim feels. How can someone whom they trusted hurt them so badly? How can their friend, a refuge from life’s storms, make them feel more alone in  a world full of pain and disconnectedness.