Oftentimes, perpetuators isolate their victims in order to control them –psychologically physically, mentally. Their game plan is to keep their victim from people who can help them and as they are kept, they are abused more and more. The life in captivity is heart-breaking: the abusers demand that their victims help them perpetuate their crimes; they are treated with no respect, demeaned, and physically beaten. They are taught they have no rights, they are no good, and that there is nothing out there for them —that there is no hope for them, their life is over. That there is no better than what they have right now.

The hopelessness and broken self-esteem keep victims shackled to their perpetuators. And, with the exposure to hate and violence, they learn only violence as a way of life. Thus, they become angry and violent people themselves especially to those who cannot defend themselves.

Reintegration into society takes so much love and understanding because working with abused victims: they seesaw from being strong to weak; from getting better to backsliding. Healing is a lifelong process

Image borrowed from Health e-news

Abuse is often shrouded in doubt, fear, shame, shock, uncertainty that most victims learn to lie about the abuse to shield themselves from painful emotions. The first lie is to themselves —-‘he did not mean to touch me’; ‘ he is a good guy, he just was drunk that day’; ‘it was not sex. He just put his hand under my skirt…thats the kind of fun thing he likes to do.” Don’t be such a prude”. The lies get more and more brazen that the victims even defend their predators, and shame themselves for thinking they were abused. Together with the lying is the lowering of self-esteem, self-efficacy, and erratic behaviour. Because of they often live in denial, they don’t get any help and self-destruct: a wild party life, drugs, drinking, unhealthy lifestyle, unhealthy coping mechanisms –all geared towards forgetting the abuse.

The systemic lying makes it challenging for the victim during therapy and as they go after their perpetuators. They second guess themselves, their stories, and weave between being frightened, to minimising the event, to ‘wanting it all just to go away’. Their living hell never goes away.

It cares courage, grit, and a huge support system to get the victim to survive. It is difficult to face the abuse and admit to oneself that it happened. But only the truth will set them free.

Image borrowed from the website of Innovation Church”

I hear it all the time. Grown women who are capable, able at their work are reduced to putty in the hands of their abuser. These women who command millions of advertising dollars, present to company boards, run nationwide programs are reduced to blubbering fools when their partners demand things from them. They bend backwards and twist their minds around what to do, squeeze as much time out of the day to do his bidding, become over solicitous and second guess themselves thinking that somehow, they will please the abuser and they can escape the pain.

But that doesn’t work. the game plan of the abuser is to gnaw at the confidence of their victim by blaming them for everything, putting them down in every way, and wielding their power at them –making their victim feel selfish for claiming their rights.

Anger is the best antidote against abuse. Anger is a statement of righteousness —that everyone has the innate right to be treated fairly, accorded value and respect. the first move is for the victim to admit to herself that she has been abused and that it is a traumatic experience. Then, the victim must seek solace and support from therapy in order that she reverse negative thoughts about herself. And, finally, to work towards realising that the situation is wrong and life can be good again by getting out of the situation. It is key to realise that it is the situation and NOT THE victim who needs to change.

Before recovery, I was a rich guy living off drug money and the sex trade. I was rich but it was not normal or with honor. My dysfunctional life made my family vanish, my siblings were not brought up well, no one and specially not our family had a future to cling to. Before, we focused on problems and how we could avoid them from happening.

After learning to love myself in recovery, I learned to be Solution focused. I now choose to face my problems and strive for more in life. Unlike before where money and security coming from money drove me, today, it is my dreams and hopes that fuel my drive. My vision of my future is what makes me get up in the morning and go for what I want.

It was when I gave myself a chance to dream that my life began to change.

—– Larsen, survivor or Drug abuse. An abused child stolen from his parents and sold to a drug and prostitution ring

“Utak biscuit”. “Isang kahig, isang tuka”. That is how Larsen was described when he came for recovery work. His idea of the future was whether he was going to eat the next day. His lack of self-esteem, lack of self-love, and lack of self-respect jailed him in the drug and sex trade for many years. For him, his life was not worth planning for because his was a basket case, no better than the life of an alley cat, meant to strive and fight for every scrap and then die.

But, fate brought him to a halfway home where he was given education, treated like a human being, and regarded as someone with a future. This is when things started to change. A little love can do that.

Guilty. Self-Disgust. Dulling of natural sexual desires. These are the thoughts, feelings, and coping mechanisms that characterise victims of sex crimes.  Guilty because for a moment, they thought they enjoyed the sensation of being touched. Self-disgust because they allowed the violation of happen and continue on and even frequently recur. Dulling of natural sexual desires because they feel that if they were asexual, the assault might not have happened at all.

Oftentimes, the victims have challenges reconnecting with the opposite sex because they associate the act of intimacy as being dirtied…’binababoy ako”. This then impacts their ability to form good marriages, partners, parents. Their unhealthy views of sex can make them shun any form of intimacy as they withhold from partners, become suspicious of partner’s desires for sexual intimacy, and even refuse to enjoy the sexual experience. Oftentimes, sexual intimacy with their loving partners  even makes them feel violated or they feel they were forced into it.

Time, patience, understanding, and love are the only cures for the deep wounds of  the victims. Restorative work begins with a victim deeply understanding and accepting that the sexual violations that happened is truly truly not their fault.

(image borrowed from church image network)

Rape and sex abuse are complicated. There are many points of view and the story unfolds through time. Sex Abuse does not just happen. To be sexually abusive is to exhibit dysfunctional  behaviour —normally, it is related to some form of addiction like drugs, alcohol; the perpetuator often has deep psychological issues that manifests in victimising through dominance.

Sex abuse is a form of betrayal. Often times, sex abuse is perpetuated by someone the victim knows and trusts. The relationship starts out innocuously with a friendship –lunches, sharing of problems, spending time together. As the friendship builds, the closeness becomes stronger,  inhibitions are cast aside, personal space and psychological guards are lowered. And so, when one sexually abuses the other —there is a moment of disbelief: did this really happen, is this ok. And soon, the disbelief turns to anger as sexual favours are forced upon the other. The betrayal of the friendship is a gaping pain the victim feels. How can someone whom they trusted hurt them so badly? How can their friend, a refuge from life’s storms, make them feel more alone in  a world full of pain and disconnectedness.

My name is Joselito —- It is not “Hoy Bata!; bobo, inutile, boy! ” I am the ‘drug lord you all love to hate because you blame me for all the ills of society. I am the guy that lurks in the dark alleys selling crack at Php 700 for a couple of ‘hits’. I am the corruptor of the other kids in the neighbourhood who entice them into drugs until they are so hooked, they cannot live without it. I know what I do is wrong, but life must go on. There are many wrong things that go on unabated anyway.